No I Will Not Shut Up

Throughout my years of being a social lite, I've come across many compliments towards my looks and an equal amount for my personality. I've kinda built up a reputation for being somewhat of an extremist, saying what everyone thinks but isn't quite bold enough to say out loud. Fear of judgment is not something I have, fear of heights, I suppose may somewhat be relevant to one another. Nevertheless, my attempt to stay in today and share my thoughts are also my journey to understanding my fears as to why I'm so afraid to be dumb. I've come to learn that wearing high heels and my hair down in bountiful curls is not when I'm most beautiful. I saw myself today for the first time, and I have never seen a more enticing young women looking back at me. Her eyes full of passion and understanding, her lips honest and raw. The water streaming down her cheek refreshed every guilt her beauty mark stated. By which to say, I'm never more gorgeous than when I'm vulnerable and I'm never more smarter than when I'm dumb.

oops

I'm working at the Tai-Li observing this little 5 year old girl struggling on her tippy toes, trying to get the cookies underneath the plastic wrapping. After ten fail attempts, I finally get her some help. She gets a hold of one and I'm laughing at her because every time she dips it into the chocolate, the cookie breaks. Her mom smiles at be because she thinks I'm laughing at her joke and so I say, "oh no I'm laughing at your daughter because the same thing happens to me when I try to eat that."
Then her mom goes, "Oh yeah, he's a boy."

Dreams

I feel guilty for neglecting my writing.. but I've been so consumed in my own thoughts lately, I haven't been able to express exactly how I've been feeling. The other day I had a dream that I was walking up a winding staircase. As I'm taking my steps up, I have no idea where I'm trying to go. My only objective was to get to the top. Once I finally get there, I see a window with light reflecting in but I realize that I had gone too far because the party was actually a few steps below. Without second guessing myself, I stepped down and joined the conversation that this group of guys were having. They were strangers, but I can sense that they had a good connection with each other and so I asked if I can hang out with them since I worked so hard to get up there. They invited me into their party and then it got super intense and personal so I wont go there (Lets just say I had the time of my life)..but usually right after I wake up from a dream I go onto dreammoods.com and decode what the hell my dysfunctional brain is trying to tell me. I had dismissed this one because I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking for.. but now I do. This is what it said

Stairs

To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.

I guess what I realized today is that no matter where I go... it doesn't mean much if there isn't anyone to share that experience with. Although the light was super bright and attracting...there was no one up there. It was lonely at the top

Reconnecting

June 10, 2009
Dear Journal,
So I woke up this morning pissed off because last night I made a promise to myself that I had to do something today that I’ve never done before. For some reason I was stressed taking out the trash and thinking about what I can possibly do with a $20 budget. As I’m walking back in, I find a gift placed by my front door from Sam Gamez. It was a framed picture of us at my birthday party and along with it came a card that just said the sweetest thing. That’s when I knew that today was going to be a good day. Sam has always been what I consider a constant friend. Senior year in P.E. class, he punched me in the face and busted my lip. So the next day he made me an apology card that was so unnecessary, yet such a Sam thing to do. I’ve actually kept it through all of these years. Those thoughts are my all time favorite gifts. Speaking of gifts, Unie gave me and Ran trees for my birthday. So today we went out to the backyard and planted them with a knife and spoon. I almost passed out from the heat, but after seeing what we had done, I felt really good that I did something positive for the planet. So before I went in, I decided to be a good daughter and water my mom’s flowers. Then I remember why I hated watering her plants as a kid, because she has a bajillion. I made a commitment that before the week is over, I’m going to put on my gloves and get on my knees and remove all of the weeds that are ruining her beautiful flowers. I’m actually excited to get started. It’s going to be a dirty project but I think my mom would really appreciate it. After saving the planet, I decided to go the movies alone. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to try and had many excuses why not to. But after today, I’m making it a weekly ritual. I went and saw Up and because my phone was trippen out, I was really alone. I had no friend and no phone, in the theater with my popcorn, M&Ms, and 32 oz soda. So all there was to do was enjoy the movie. As I’m sitting there watching the previews, a dark scene appears with a frightening child screaming and I realized that this couldn’t possibly be the cartoon movie that I signed up for. As I’m walking out as fast as I can to prevent any nightmares, I laughed to myself because of course I would end up in the room playing Drag me to Hell. Haha. Now that’s a Sandy thing to do. But I must say Up was the best movie I’ve seen in a really long time. I smiled. I laughed. I jumped. I cried. I got on the edge of my seat like 5 times. Coming out I wanted everyone to know that PG movies are still the shit no matter how old you get. So after the movie I went and ate my mom’s home cooking which of course never lets me down. To complete my daily form of exercise, me and Ran went for a 3 mile walk at Chambers Bay. I commend anyone who can run that thing all the way through. The only reason I kept going was because there was no turning around once you get to the best part. It was a very calm and relaxed view and also a very long and painful adventure. I’ll do it again. I’ll do this whole day again. While walking with my sister and talking with her about life and my relationships and hopes and dreams like I always do. There was a moment when I noticed how dead the grass was in a certain area. I said to her, “someone needs to water the grass.” Then she said to me, “or maybe God should water the grass.” It got me thinking that maybe its okay to ask him for things. It’s not selfish if it’s something that really matters to me right? Like truly matters. Just a thought I’ll leave on.

Sandy Kang

Being Present

I'm at pretty good time in my life right now, where things are coming together and I'm getting a better sense of who I've chosen to be...But somehow I still allow people from my past to dictate the state that I'm in. For the first time in over a year and a half, I finally got an apology from someone who I thought would never see the light of day. There was that voice inside of me that said...Sandy he's sorry! He finally realizes he took you for granted…try it again! It was suppose to be right, it can be right. But you know what I did instead...I let a tear drop before I wiped my cheeks, and I said to him, "It’s all good. We live and we learn, thanks for acknowledging it though."
Of course apart of me still wants it to be right, but left is working for me right now...and that's always OK.

Fresh Meat

So it begins!...Crazy excited! at the same time very cautious not to get lost.

more to come...

Fresh Air

According to my passengers, I really like "jockin music"

Urban Dictionary
jockin
Verb
Inflected forms: Jocking, Jockin
1. (a) The act of obsessing over another with intense affection. (b) Attempting to woo with the hopes of romance. 2. (a) To copy the likeness of and/or follow intently. (b) To be sought after. 3. Talking about another with no care to anyone that hears it and with no intention of stopping.
Linguistic Origin:
To be someone’s jock (jockstrap).
"Curtis enjoyed watching Audrey play tennis at the park and paid no attention to the haters who knew; despite the thought he may be jockin."
"I saw him at the party, that girl was jockin you."
"Why do you always got to be jockin' my dance moves?"
LOL
I didn't realize it before it was brought to my attention, but I really do. Forget depression and raps about money, jockin music is like spring. Out with the old and in with the new. After the rain washes away the bad, the flowers can bloom. You can roll your window down and cruise to music that makes you feel good. No preasure, no pain, and no games, just temptation/desire and the sensation of being awakened, and then to pursue or be pursued. I don’t know about you, but I think the chase is way more than half the fun.

Jocking music comes in every genre; rock, country, reggae, rap, r&b, soul, pop, hip hop, island, and probably hard metal, techno, jazz and opera too. But here are some of my favorites.



Tamia- So into you
Thalia ft Fat Joe - I want you
Yazmeen- Blue jeans
Tatiana Ali- Day dreaming
Mario- C’mon
Neyo- Can we chill
Sammie- Body rock
Jon B- Don’t talk/Pretty girl
Robin Thicke- Wanna love you girl
Pleasure P- Yup
Dream- Rockin that thing
LL Cool J- Hey lover
Lloyed Banks- Karma
Chris Brown- Excuse me miss
Lauren Hill- Can’t keep my eyes off you
Keri Hilson ft Kanye West- Knock you down
Ekolu- Sensation
Musiq Soulchild- Just friends
Olivia Ft 50 cent- Best Friends
Mandy Moore- Crush
Colbie Caillat- Falling for you
Keyshia Cole- Heaven Sent
Ryan Leslie- Addicted
Brandy- Wanna be down
Mariah Carey- Fantasy

Doesn't it make something inside you smile...it's like seeing the sun coming through the clouds. I love spring

More of a Dog Person

Two years ago, I stepped outside of my apartment for a brief second for whatever reason, and I see a gray and white kitty the size of a beanie baby bouncing in the grass. I’m now uncontrollably giddy, so I call out for it. It runs towards me and leaps into my hands. I take it inside and begin playing with her. She was lively and affectionate and soo lovable. I went to Rite Aid and bought cat food. She slept on my neck and woke me up with licks to the face.
Then my mom came over one day and discovered that I had captured a stray animal. She demanded that I get rid of her or she was going to do it for me. After many calls and many bulletins all over the internet, I learned that not many people like cats. Terribly more afraid of my mom than karma, I drove by a suburban neighborhood and I had my friend slip her out of the car. I figured she would a better chance surviving on the streets than in the pound.
Having moved now, I somehow keep seeing this gray and white cat running around my yard. I tell myself that it couldn’t possibly be her because that would be crazy. But then tonight when I pulled into my driving way, I’m forced to stop midway because the same cat is in my path. Instead of startling off like any other rodent, this bitch stares at me and then slowly strides on my course so that I have to wait to get though. I get out of my car and the cat is chillen there glaring at me. So what do i do?... I stomp towards it like I’m gonna kick it! Haha
Never really liked cats that much either.. Beanie Baby size kittens are cool though.

A Gift to Receive

There’s one thing I miss the most about being in a relationship…

and that’s KISSING!

making out in the car
kisses that left me grasping for air
upside down kisses
butterfly kisses
following, leading, arguing, making up kisses
kisses under the stars
kisses on my eyelids
soft kisses that somehow left marks
sneaking kisses when no one is looking
hello kisses
out of control kisses
out of nowhere kisses
goodbye kisses
I love you kisses
I don’t think there’s another statement more true... You can tell everything you need to know from just one kiss.

50 First Dates is probably one of my favorite movies of all time. I love the idea that a man loves a woman so much, he's willing to spend everyday making her fall in love with him all over again. Although the downside is that she forgets him every morning, I love that every kiss is her first one with him. The sweetest of them all is the night they spent on the beach and he sings a song that he custom made for her.
A well earned kiss…what beats that?

Bitch Moment

So a few days ago my sister and I were having a glass of wine and sharing gossip during happy hour, when a guy comes over and interrupts mid conversation asking my sister if her name is Romie. A lot more patient than I am, she says “no, it's not…that’s okay...have a good night”, while I look off in the opposite direction in my sarcastic expression.
Twenty minutes later, he returns with another guy and asks if it’s alright they join us. My sister’s polite rejection is obviously not working. So I go ahead and state the obvious, “We are having dinner.”
“Just you two?”
“Yes.” (No shit smart guy. I’m spending quality time with my sister and if you were paying any attention, you would see that we are in an intense conversation and interrupting is not only rude, it’s annoying. For one, we’re taller than both of you. For two, you didn’t grow in these twenty minutes. For three, we’re at APPLEBEE’S. Do you think we come out here to be hit on by some little boys with no game? If you are that close to someone and have to ask if she is someone you supposedly know, you apparently don’t know that person well enough to join them at dinner.)
I realize that’s bitchy and egotistical and unnecessary… and that’s why I didn’t say all of that. I’m aware that it takes a lot of courage to approach someone. That taking a chance should be encouraged blah blah, but you know what… it’s called using your best judgment. Some guys just aren’t good at decoding women. So here it is…

Do not hit on a woman if:
-She is at the gas station. We’re here because we have places to go.
-She is in distress. Car accident, parking ticket, flat tire, crying, yelling…I mean common, some of you are really that oblivious.
-She is working. Her time is precious and work is work.
-She is focused on something… reading a book, watching a game, listening to a friend’s story.
-She has her arms folded across her chest.
-She is walking in a fast pace. She is really walking away from you.

In other words, do not approach a woman at all. UNLESS she gives you eye contact and a smile. But if you just have to, need to, can’t help but to…well then

Do not talk about:
-The weather
-Asking her dumb questions like you already know her... Are you Cambodian? Is your name Romie? Do you come here often? Can I ask you a question?
-“You have pretty eyes.”=weak!

Here’s the tip:
-Be honest. Tell her you’re attracted to her and wanted a better look.
-Introduce yourself and ask her if you can buy her a drink.
-Ask her if she likes the song and if she would like to dance.

If she rejects, well then she just wasn’t interested. But at least she won’t be writing a blog about how lame you are, or laughing later with her friends.
Gosh, step it up!

Culture

In March of 2006, my mom brought me along with her to Cambodia on a journey to spread the ashes of my grandmother in Siem Reap, the city she and her family are from. It was the first time I’d left the country and the first time she was speaking to me in almost a year. On our connecting flight from Tokyo to Phnom Penh, she requested that I take out my tongue ring.
At the time, I thought I did it solely because she had finally asked me to. Understanding myself better now, there was no chance in hell I was going to walk off that plane with a metal bar in my tongue. It just wasn’t me, and I knew that even at 18.

When asked about my experience, people usually anticipate an elaborate story about how humbling and amazing and spiritual it was. But this was all they got, “it was hard…” Then I would paint a bunch of scenarios of all the times I made a fool of myself or almost died, mentioning only the details worth laughing about. I didn’t know how to express compassion. To put into words that I had to constantly compose my emotions so that I didn't cry the whole time.
It was hard… I saw a lot of painful images while I was there. Children begging for food, elders on their knees crying for help, kids inhaling glue, homes missing walls 10 stories high, birds in cages only freed to be captured again for money – literally and metaphorically, and that was all in the day time, the first day.
On one of our trips to the city, I got blessed, or cursed…I’m still not sure. My eyes were concentrated on this man who was old as a grandfather but moving like a teenager shoveling rocks and tar without any gloves or shoes. I suppose my mom caught me staring because she hands me a 10 dollar bill and motion towards him.
So I walk over slowly, cautious not to interrupt but suspiciously trying to get his attention. I have the bill in both hands as I’m offering it to him like I have no idea what I’m doing. He notices me and then wipes his hands as he walks over to me. I bow my head and put my hands in praying form as I’ve been taught my whole life, and then he puts his hands over mine. I bless him and then he blesses me, but adds in, “Many men will fall in love with you.” After bartering him to take it back, I finally accept and he kisses my forehead...something I'll never take for granted.
The moment that hit me the hardest was when I went along for a ride to drop the kids off at public school. As we were heading back, they were everywhere walking in their uniforms. But in the distance, I noticed one out of place. About half a mile out to the side, there was a little boy in a dirt field by himself. He wasn't wearing the blue or white, and for some reason it didn’t sit right with me. So I made my cousin turn around. When we get there, I notice that he doesn’t have any shoes. I roll my window down and reach my hand out with some money. He smiles at me and then takes it. At that instant something forced me out of the car and I hugged him.
Driving off, I watched him continue to wonder aimlessly in no rush and in no particular direction. Instead of feeling bad for him, I listened to the way he walked and I saw that I was suffering more than he was. He didn’t need anything. As for me, I couldn’t even get over myself.

Jayavaram VII, spoke of his intentions in erecting temples as being:
“full of deep sympathy for the good of the world, so as to bestow on men the ambrosia of remedies to win them immortality….By virtue of these good works would that I might rescue all those who are struggling in the ocean of existence.”

-My mom actually grew up only a few blocks away from Angkor Wat. She swam in the water and ran through the halls of the temples. When I approached the entrance to walk in, they stopped me and asked that I pay a fee. I reminded them politely in Khmer, "I'm Cambodian." And then I walked in.

Patient Mothers

Thanks to fake IDs, for a long time it was the same thing...
a full time student helping out at my parent’s grocery store and working doubles as a waitress. On Monday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and random Sunday nights- it was either a date, bar, club, or house party, sometimes even all four. Hot dogs on the curb, Pho, or Denny’s at 2 in the morning to wrap up a girls night. Before I laid my head down, I squeezed in some reading or writing, often both, and maybe even a movie to fall asleep to. Those rare one or two days off was for personal hobbies, like all my arts and crafts projects, running at the park, or learning how to salsa dance or pick locks. I even made time to attend all my friend’s family events also, like BBQs, football games, and dance performances. After all that, I still had enough energy to keep company in traffic or come to the rescue in the middle of the morning. Never once did I complain about being exhausted, and never once was it too much. Although rearranged, not much has changed.

Then today, I was observing my best friend and my God son interact. As he was persistently falling and picking himself back up, again and again, attempting to crawl... I looked at her and said, “You are soo patient.”

I learned that it’s important to slow down... or we’ll grow old / too fast.

Words of Meaning

There are many words to describe an appealing woman, but the definitions in the dictionary don't satisfy my understanding. So I decided to use my own knowledge of the word to define it, in hopes that other people will use it and share it with more meaning.


Adorable: There’s a natural sweetness that comes from adorable, like fully ripped peaches dipped in a fresh brew of ice tea. Soft and warm like brand new cotton towels right out of the dryer, you wanna wrap both arms around it tightly, lightly kiss adorable on the forehead and inhale her in. But rather a more recognizable smell, like home, except with a tiny drop of a wild berry you are unfamiliar with. Beyond wisdom, adorable is humble. You want to put it in your pocket and protect it, because it’s what everyone has been searching for. A girl who is adorable is the one you admire from a distance in fear of damaging her. Yet her laugh is so addicting you can’t stay away for too long. Adorable is very easy to fall in love with and never does it get old. She’s the girl next door who trusts too easily.

Alluring: It hits your nostrils like a shooting star, unexpectedly. You have no idea where the scent is coming from or what it is because alluring comes and goes. When it’s near, the further it makes sense, a bit of a vanilla cinnamon scent. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, she will do something so off the wall that says “not so easy.” Alluring is mysterious as the color of the ocean from a birds view. You would follow an alluring woman into a dungeon and even if you must slay a dragon or two, you won’t stop until you satisfy that craving, not until you know for yourself exactly what she taste like. Whether you are resisting or hunting her, she’s the tease who you can’t seem to identify or ignore. She knows exactly what she’s doing and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Attractive: There’s a surface quality about attractive. Like staring at a screen saver but soon as you figure out the pattern, you immediately snap out of it. An air freshener cleaning up the essence of shit. Although its smells good, it’s only a cover up. Just as a rose is appealing to the eyes, you are careful not to hurt yourself with all of its thorns. It’s definitely something you would acknowledge, but if there isn’t at least one other quality that she posses, attractive is just another part of a large quantity. You recognize her immediately yet you can forget her just as fast. Although you enjoy what you see, you’re waiting for her to show you more. She is either blessed or cursed, but which ever way, it doesn’t matter to her not one bit.

Beautiful: It doesn’t change. Everything and everyone moves around beautiful, even if the world is motionless. Men, women, gays, or straights can all agree that beautiful is beautiful and if someone doesn’t agree, they may as well be blind. Naked or covered, old or new, just like a tiger, she never changes her stripes. Her conscious is beautiful as it matches her dreams. You’ll know exactly when you’re in her presence because she is the only one not faking it. You can remind her who she is and although she will thank you genuinely, deep down she doesn’t care. She knows who she is, and defining her is actually limiting her light. She’s the confidence that every man wants and every woman wants to be. And if that’s not possible, you’ll be just as happy to be around her.

Cute: A small ball of fun and although it’s a bit naïve, that is precisely what makes cute nice to be around. She makes you feel like a big bad wolf who can choose to either eat or save the little girl. An innocent quality surrounds cute and it comes in a dozen shades of pink. Like sweet cotton candy and cup cakes on Valentine’s Day, she’s sugar and spice and everything nice. Although a single daisy is cute, being surrounded by her all day all the time can be a bit exhausting, especially when all you want to do is lay in the grass. She needs constant protection and attention and after awhile, you just wish she was beautiful. But if you find her at times being so cute, well then she’s adorable.

Handsome: You feel safe around handsome. His masculine features instantly trigger your femininity, and a lady is what you’ll be because gentle is the only rhythm you feel. The way he walks and talks makes you unwillingly bat your lashes picturing what your children would look like. When he’s near you, you can actually feel your body temperature rise while you take a deep breath to keep from fainting. That’s when the smell of a man is defined, the combination of pheromones and handsome in the same room. His voice is deep and flow like music dancing to your ears. You only wish he would whisper so you would have a reason to get closer, but handsome is rare and so you must not scare him off. He has options and that's why you wait for all the other girls to eliminate themselves before you step forward and reveal who you are. Handsome is experienced and if he’s not, then he’s a fraud. He knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go for it. You’ll know when he’s your handsome because he only goes for beautiful.

Hot: It’s as simple as the word itself. Stepping into a Jacuzzi, it’s a feeling you are forced to focus on. You quickly identify exactly what it is and can’t help but state it out loud that she is indeed hot. She has no question marks surrounding her, she either is or isn’t. There’s a put togetherness about a hot girl that makes you wonder how much effort she took to perfect that look. The glow of her skin, the light reflecting from her hair, the brightness of her wardrobe, and her immaculate body is what makes a hot woman a 10. A dreary conversation does not change her definition.

Gorgeous: Roll out the red carpet the way you roll your tongue when you bring out gorgeous. There’s something, just something about gorgeous, that makes you wonder if the Gods follow her around giving her the appropriate light and wind wherever she goes. There’s nothing ordinary about her in any way. From top to bottom you find yourself constantly trying to discover what it is and getting lost every time in her maze garden. The aroma of melting chocolate is neither square nor safe. She is curvaceously smooth rich and full of answers. Gorgeous is generous with her time as she is with her secrets. Which are all kept in her eyes because she knows exactly what you and every other creature is thinking as she comes across like a summer sunset. Although you would love to pause the gorgeous evening and examine her colors, her most precious moments are when her eyes are closed.

Pretty: For your viewing pleasure, pretty has no ulterior motives. A combination of hot and cold, to make the perfect shade of purple. Fresh as the mountain breeze, even a child could identify her. She was born pretty, innocent and charming all revealed in the heart shape face you can stare at her for hours. She won’t even notice you looking at her, but if she does, she will assume something’s wrong. She doesn’t need attention, but she is flattered when attended to. Like a field of wild colorful flowers mating and integrating, a pretty woman is enlightening for she doesn’t ask for much.

Sexy: You need parental advisory before you address sexy. It’s not that her scent of pleasure is centered on the act itself. It’s that you wouldn’t mind just watching her dance, walk, talk, or exhale. Her movements stimulate senses you never new exist in which all are contained in your brain. She is always in style and in control of every part of her body that relentlessly signals a path towards “more than you can handle”. Sexy is too much, not enough, but just enough to keep her on your list of requirements. It’s effortless to be sexy yet she makes it so hard to get down. She is a specie of her own, and the only way to have your cake and eat it to, is to breed with one.

Stunning: Whether it’s your type or not, stunning stops you in your track and freezes something inside of you. Standing still staring at stunning before you begin to wonder who she is and what she’s doing here. Like a mist of cold water in the Sahara desert, you’re watching her in slow motion disappear out of your life. There’s a quality about her that hasn’t yet been discovered and named at this very moment, but incredible is the closest you can come up with. A stunning women would never know who she is until you tell her, and if you do, she will take a minute and wonder exactly what you meant.

LOVE

I’ve learned that the most important lesson in becoming a woman is to trust your intuition.

When it happens, you know

It’s not just the way he looks into your eyes… although when he does, it’s as if he revealed every secret in his chest offering it to you with the intentions of nothing in return… It’s the way your heart slightly shifts to the center and for that millisecond the two of you are put on pause while the rest of the world continues its restless worries. None of which is present… just the most simple definition of beauty from head to toe. And when he smiles, it concludes that your reflection is as sweet and kind as your secrets. The way he stands says he could carry you for miles. And the arrangement and leisure of his hands releases stress from your shoulders and adds more energy to your core. A place that no one has ever been before this very moment, not even you. Dimming the lights as you both begin to look away, a quick glance at the picture says that it doesn’t even matter. Nothing matters. For the first time you are able to understand why you’ve done everything you ever did. Because it brought you here… to this place at this moment. And you walk away knowing nothing in your life will ever be as sure as what you know right now. That even if another could satisfy all five of your senses simultaneously, it would never compare to the way he enchanted you with a snap of a shot. And no matter the distance traveled or time passed, the secret lies at that moment. A treasure only the two of you share...
Love at first sight.


Then you realize, the only reason why you walked away from it was because you didn’t think you deserved it. And then you write a blog wondering if True Love is a second chance…with no doubt that it is by the time you finish.