No I Will Not Shut Up

Throughout my years of being a social lite, I've come across many compliments towards my looks and an equal amount for my personality. I've kinda built up a reputation for being somewhat of an extremist, saying what everyone thinks but isn't quite bold enough to say out loud. Fear of judgment is not something I have, fear of heights, I suppose may somewhat be relevant to one another. Nevertheless, my attempt to stay in today and share my thoughts are also my journey to understanding my fears as to why I'm so afraid to be dumb. I've come to learn that wearing high heels and my hair down in bountiful curls is not when I'm most beautiful. I saw myself today for the first time, and I have never seen a more enticing young women looking back at me. Her eyes full of passion and understanding, her lips honest and raw. The water streaming down her cheek refreshed every guilt her beauty mark stated. By which to say, I'm never more gorgeous than when I'm vulnerable and I'm never more smarter than when I'm dumb.

oops

I'm working at the Tai-Li observing this little 5 year old girl struggling on her tippy toes, trying to get the cookies underneath the plastic wrapping. After ten fail attempts, I finally get her some help. She gets a hold of one and I'm laughing at her because every time she dips it into the chocolate, the cookie breaks. Her mom smiles at be because she thinks I'm laughing at her joke and so I say, "oh no I'm laughing at your daughter because the same thing happens to me when I try to eat that."
Then her mom goes, "Oh yeah, he's a boy."

Dreams

I feel guilty for neglecting my writing.. but I've been so consumed in my own thoughts lately, I haven't been able to express exactly how I've been feeling. The other day I had a dream that I was walking up a winding staircase. As I'm taking my steps up, I have no idea where I'm trying to go. My only objective was to get to the top. Once I finally get there, I see a window with light reflecting in but I realize that I had gone too far because the party was actually a few steps below. Without second guessing myself, I stepped down and joined the conversation that this group of guys were having. They were strangers, but I can sense that they had a good connection with each other and so I asked if I can hang out with them since I worked so hard to get up there. They invited me into their party and then it got super intense and personal so I wont go there (Lets just say I had the time of my life)..but usually right after I wake up from a dream I go onto dreammoods.com and decode what the hell my dysfunctional brain is trying to tell me. I had dismissed this one because I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking for.. but now I do. This is what it said

Stairs

To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.

I guess what I realized today is that no matter where I go... it doesn't mean much if there isn't anyone to share that experience with. Although the light was super bright and attracting...there was no one up there. It was lonely at the top

Reconnecting

June 10, 2009
Dear Journal,
So I woke up this morning pissed off because last night I made a promise to myself that I had to do something today that I’ve never done before. For some reason I was stressed taking out the trash and thinking about what I can possibly do with a $20 budget. As I’m walking back in, I find a gift placed by my front door from Sam Gamez. It was a framed picture of us at my birthday party and along with it came a card that just said the sweetest thing. That’s when I knew that today was going to be a good day. Sam has always been what I consider a constant friend. Senior year in P.E. class, he punched me in the face and busted my lip. So the next day he made me an apology card that was so unnecessary, yet such a Sam thing to do. I’ve actually kept it through all of these years. Those thoughts are my all time favorite gifts. Speaking of gifts, Unie gave me and Ran trees for my birthday. So today we went out to the backyard and planted them with a knife and spoon. I almost passed out from the heat, but after seeing what we had done, I felt really good that I did something positive for the planet. So before I went in, I decided to be a good daughter and water my mom’s flowers. Then I remember why I hated watering her plants as a kid, because she has a bajillion. I made a commitment that before the week is over, I’m going to put on my gloves and get on my knees and remove all of the weeds that are ruining her beautiful flowers. I’m actually excited to get started. It’s going to be a dirty project but I think my mom would really appreciate it. After saving the planet, I decided to go the movies alone. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to try and had many excuses why not to. But after today, I’m making it a weekly ritual. I went and saw Up and because my phone was trippen out, I was really alone. I had no friend and no phone, in the theater with my popcorn, M&Ms, and 32 oz soda. So all there was to do was enjoy the movie. As I’m sitting there watching the previews, a dark scene appears with a frightening child screaming and I realized that this couldn’t possibly be the cartoon movie that I signed up for. As I’m walking out as fast as I can to prevent any nightmares, I laughed to myself because of course I would end up in the room playing Drag me to Hell. Haha. Now that’s a Sandy thing to do. But I must say Up was the best movie I’ve seen in a really long time. I smiled. I laughed. I jumped. I cried. I got on the edge of my seat like 5 times. Coming out I wanted everyone to know that PG movies are still the shit no matter how old you get. So after the movie I went and ate my mom’s home cooking which of course never lets me down. To complete my daily form of exercise, me and Ran went for a 3 mile walk at Chambers Bay. I commend anyone who can run that thing all the way through. The only reason I kept going was because there was no turning around once you get to the best part. It was a very calm and relaxed view and also a very long and painful adventure. I’ll do it again. I’ll do this whole day again. While walking with my sister and talking with her about life and my relationships and hopes and dreams like I always do. There was a moment when I noticed how dead the grass was in a certain area. I said to her, “someone needs to water the grass.” Then she said to me, “or maybe God should water the grass.” It got me thinking that maybe its okay to ask him for things. It’s not selfish if it’s something that really matters to me right? Like truly matters. Just a thought I’ll leave on.

Sandy Kang

Being Present

I'm at pretty good time in my life right now, where things are coming together and I'm getting a better sense of who I've chosen to be...But somehow I still allow people from my past to dictate the state that I'm in. For the first time in over a year and a half, I finally got an apology from someone who I thought would never see the light of day. There was that voice inside of me that said...Sandy he's sorry! He finally realizes he took you for granted…try it again! It was suppose to be right, it can be right. But you know what I did instead...I let a tear drop before I wiped my cheeks, and I said to him, "It’s all good. We live and we learn, thanks for acknowledging it though."
Of course apart of me still wants it to be right, but left is working for me right now...and that's always OK.

Fresh Meat

So it begins!...Crazy excited! at the same time very cautious not to get lost.

more to come...

Fresh Air

According to my passengers, I really like "jockin music"

Urban Dictionary
jockin
Verb
Inflected forms: Jocking, Jockin
1. (a) The act of obsessing over another with intense affection. (b) Attempting to woo with the hopes of romance. 2. (a) To copy the likeness of and/or follow intently. (b) To be sought after. 3. Talking about another with no care to anyone that hears it and with no intention of stopping.
Linguistic Origin:
To be someone’s jock (jockstrap).
"Curtis enjoyed watching Audrey play tennis at the park and paid no attention to the haters who knew; despite the thought he may be jockin."
"I saw him at the party, that girl was jockin you."
"Why do you always got to be jockin' my dance moves?"
LOL
I didn't realize it before it was brought to my attention, but I really do. Forget depression and raps about money, jockin music is like spring. Out with the old and in with the new. After the rain washes away the bad, the flowers can bloom. You can roll your window down and cruise to music that makes you feel good. No preasure, no pain, and no games, just temptation/desire and the sensation of being awakened, and then to pursue or be pursued. I don’t know about you, but I think the chase is way more than half the fun.

Jocking music comes in every genre; rock, country, reggae, rap, r&b, soul, pop, hip hop, island, and probably hard metal, techno, jazz and opera too. But here are some of my favorites.



Tamia- So into you
Thalia ft Fat Joe - I want you
Yazmeen- Blue jeans
Tatiana Ali- Day dreaming
Mario- C’mon
Neyo- Can we chill
Sammie- Body rock
Jon B- Don’t talk/Pretty girl
Robin Thicke- Wanna love you girl
Pleasure P- Yup
Dream- Rockin that thing
LL Cool J- Hey lover
Lloyed Banks- Karma
Chris Brown- Excuse me miss
Lauren Hill- Can’t keep my eyes off you
Keri Hilson ft Kanye West- Knock you down
Ekolu- Sensation
Musiq Soulchild- Just friends
Olivia Ft 50 cent- Best Friends
Mandy Moore- Crush
Colbie Caillat- Falling for you
Keyshia Cole- Heaven Sent
Ryan Leslie- Addicted
Brandy- Wanna be down
Mariah Carey- Fantasy

Doesn't it make something inside you smile...it's like seeing the sun coming through the clouds. I love spring

More of a Dog Person

Two years ago, I stepped outside of my apartment for a brief second for whatever reason, and I see a gray and white kitty the size of a beanie baby bouncing in the grass. I’m now uncontrollably giddy, so I call out for it. It runs towards me and leaps into my hands. I take it inside and begin playing with her. She was lively and affectionate and soo lovable. I went to Rite Aid and bought cat food. She slept on my neck and woke me up with licks to the face.
Then my mom came over one day and discovered that I had captured a stray animal. She demanded that I get rid of her or she was going to do it for me. After many calls and many bulletins all over the internet, I learned that not many people like cats. Terribly more afraid of my mom than karma, I drove by a suburban neighborhood and I had my friend slip her out of the car. I figured she would a better chance surviving on the streets than in the pound.
Having moved now, I somehow keep seeing this gray and white cat running around my yard. I tell myself that it couldn’t possibly be her because that would be crazy. But then tonight when I pulled into my driving way, I’m forced to stop midway because the same cat is in my path. Instead of startling off like any other rodent, this bitch stares at me and then slowly strides on my course so that I have to wait to get though. I get out of my car and the cat is chillen there glaring at me. So what do i do?... I stomp towards it like I’m gonna kick it! Haha
Never really liked cats that much either.. Beanie Baby size kittens are cool though.

A Gift to Receive

There’s one thing I miss the most about being in a relationship…

and that’s KISSING!

making out in the car
kisses that left me grasping for air
upside down kisses
butterfly kisses
following, leading, arguing, making up kisses
kisses under the stars
kisses on my eyelids
soft kisses that somehow left marks
sneaking kisses when no one is looking
hello kisses
out of control kisses
out of nowhere kisses
goodbye kisses
I love you kisses
I don’t think there’s another statement more true... You can tell everything you need to know from just one kiss.

50 First Dates is probably one of my favorite movies of all time. I love the idea that a man loves a woman so much, he's willing to spend everyday making her fall in love with him all over again. Although the downside is that she forgets him every morning, I love that every kiss is her first one with him. The sweetest of them all is the night they spent on the beach and he sings a song that he custom made for her.
A well earned kiss…what beats that?

Bitch Moment

So a few days ago my sister and I were having a glass of wine and sharing gossip during happy hour, when a guy comes over and interrupts mid conversation asking my sister if her name is Romie. A lot more patient than I am, she says “no, it's not…that’s okay...have a good night”, while I look off in the opposite direction in my sarcastic expression.
Twenty minutes later, he returns with another guy and asks if it’s alright they join us. My sister’s polite rejection is obviously not working. So I go ahead and state the obvious, “We are having dinner.”
“Just you two?”
“Yes.” (No shit smart guy. I’m spending quality time with my sister and if you were paying any attention, you would see that we are in an intense conversation and interrupting is not only rude, it’s annoying. For one, we’re taller than both of you. For two, you didn’t grow in these twenty minutes. For three, we’re at APPLEBEE’S. Do you think we come out here to be hit on by some little boys with no game? If you are that close to someone and have to ask if she is someone you supposedly know, you apparently don’t know that person well enough to join them at dinner.)
I realize that’s bitchy and egotistical and unnecessary… and that’s why I didn’t say all of that. I’m aware that it takes a lot of courage to approach someone. That taking a chance should be encouraged blah blah, but you know what… it’s called using your best judgment. Some guys just aren’t good at decoding women. So here it is…

Do not hit on a woman if:
-She is at the gas station. We’re here because we have places to go.
-She is in distress. Car accident, parking ticket, flat tire, crying, yelling…I mean common, some of you are really that oblivious.
-She is working. Her time is precious and work is work.
-She is focused on something… reading a book, watching a game, listening to a friend’s story.
-She has her arms folded across her chest.
-She is walking in a fast pace. She is really walking away from you.

In other words, do not approach a woman at all. UNLESS she gives you eye contact and a smile. But if you just have to, need to, can’t help but to…well then

Do not talk about:
-The weather
-Asking her dumb questions like you already know her... Are you Cambodian? Is your name Romie? Do you come here often? Can I ask you a question?
-“You have pretty eyes.”=weak!

Here’s the tip:
-Be honest. Tell her you’re attracted to her and wanted a better look.
-Introduce yourself and ask her if you can buy her a drink.
-Ask her if she likes the song and if she would like to dance.

If she rejects, well then she just wasn’t interested. But at least she won’t be writing a blog about how lame you are, or laughing later with her friends.
Gosh, step it up!