Dreams

I feel guilty for neglecting my writing.. but I've been so consumed in my own thoughts lately, I haven't been able to express exactly how I've been feeling. The other day I had a dream that I was walking up a winding staircase. As I'm taking my steps up, I have no idea where I'm trying to go. My only objective was to get to the top. Once I finally get there, I see a window with light reflecting in but I realize that I had gone too far because the party was actually a few steps below. Without second guessing myself, I stepped down and joined the conversation that this group of guys were having. They were strangers, but I can sense that they had a good connection with each other and so I asked if I can hang out with them since I worked so hard to get up there. They invited me into their party and then it got super intense and personal so I wont go there (Lets just say I had the time of my life)..but usually right after I wake up from a dream I go onto dreammoods.com and decode what the hell my dysfunctional brain is trying to tell me. I had dismissed this one because I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking for.. but now I do. This is what it said

Stairs

To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.

I guess what I realized today is that no matter where I go... it doesn't mean much if there isn't anyone to share that experience with. Although the light was super bright and attracting...there was no one up there. It was lonely at the top

Reconnecting

June 10, 2009
Dear Journal,
So I woke up this morning pissed off because last night I made a promise to myself that I had to do something today that I’ve never done before. For some reason I was stressed taking out the trash and thinking about what I can possibly do with a $20 budget. As I’m walking back in, I find a gift placed by my front door from Sam Gamez. It was a framed picture of us at my birthday party and along with it came a card that just said the sweetest thing. That’s when I knew that today was going to be a good day. Sam has always been what I consider a constant friend. Senior year in P.E. class, he punched me in the face and busted my lip. So the next day he made me an apology card that was so unnecessary, yet such a Sam thing to do. I’ve actually kept it through all of these years. Those thoughts are my all time favorite gifts. Speaking of gifts, Unie gave me and Ran trees for my birthday. So today we went out to the backyard and planted them with a knife and spoon. I almost passed out from the heat, but after seeing what we had done, I felt really good that I did something positive for the planet. So before I went in, I decided to be a good daughter and water my mom’s flowers. Then I remember why I hated watering her plants as a kid, because she has a bajillion. I made a commitment that before the week is over, I’m going to put on my gloves and get on my knees and remove all of the weeds that are ruining her beautiful flowers. I’m actually excited to get started. It’s going to be a dirty project but I think my mom would really appreciate it. After saving the planet, I decided to go the movies alone. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to try and had many excuses why not to. But after today, I’m making it a weekly ritual. I went and saw Up and because my phone was trippen out, I was really alone. I had no friend and no phone, in the theater with my popcorn, M&Ms, and 32 oz soda. So all there was to do was enjoy the movie. As I’m sitting there watching the previews, a dark scene appears with a frightening child screaming and I realized that this couldn’t possibly be the cartoon movie that I signed up for. As I’m walking out as fast as I can to prevent any nightmares, I laughed to myself because of course I would end up in the room playing Drag me to Hell. Haha. Now that’s a Sandy thing to do. But I must say Up was the best movie I’ve seen in a really long time. I smiled. I laughed. I jumped. I cried. I got on the edge of my seat like 5 times. Coming out I wanted everyone to know that PG movies are still the shit no matter how old you get. So after the movie I went and ate my mom’s home cooking which of course never lets me down. To complete my daily form of exercise, me and Ran went for a 3 mile walk at Chambers Bay. I commend anyone who can run that thing all the way through. The only reason I kept going was because there was no turning around once you get to the best part. It was a very calm and relaxed view and also a very long and painful adventure. I’ll do it again. I’ll do this whole day again. While walking with my sister and talking with her about life and my relationships and hopes and dreams like I always do. There was a moment when I noticed how dead the grass was in a certain area. I said to her, “someone needs to water the grass.” Then she said to me, “or maybe God should water the grass.” It got me thinking that maybe its okay to ask him for things. It’s not selfish if it’s something that really matters to me right? Like truly matters. Just a thought I’ll leave on.

Sandy Kang

Being Present

I'm at pretty good time in my life right now, where things are coming together and I'm getting a better sense of who I've chosen to be...But somehow I still allow people from my past to dictate the state that I'm in. For the first time in over a year and a half, I finally got an apology from someone who I thought would never see the light of day. There was that voice inside of me that said...Sandy he's sorry! He finally realizes he took you for granted…try it again! It was suppose to be right, it can be right. But you know what I did instead...I let a tear drop before I wiped my cheeks, and I said to him, "It’s all good. We live and we learn, thanks for acknowledging it though."
Of course apart of me still wants it to be right, but left is working for me right now...and that's always OK.

Fresh Meat

So it begins!...Crazy excited! at the same time very cautious not to get lost.

more to come...